July 18, 2003
FSM 279 DO
The Story of Australian Heidi's Graduation
© November 1995, by The Family, Zurich, Switzerland
When our dear sister Heidi (of Peter, in Australia) went to be with the Lord after a battle with cancer that lasted over a year, she did so peacefully and victoriously. She went into the arms of Jesus on September 3rd, showing lots of love to her family and those around her right up until the end. When she realized that this could be the Lord's plan for her, she struggled, but held on and won a beautiful victory. She was a wonderful example of dying grace, having gained much trust in the Lord during her last weeks on Earth.
We love you, Peter, and your children Michelle, Sam, Sancho, Joseph, Prem, Mandy, Teresa and Ricky, and know that the Lord is nigh to you, comforting, encouraging and making His loving presence more real in your life than ever before. Though being separated from your precious wife and mother is difficult, we all rejoice that she is "more than a conqueror," forever healed from the sickness that caused her so many battles! We also take comfort in knowing that she is with Jesus and Grandpa and our many loved ones in Heaven, from where she is able to help you and many of His children!
Several of our precious Family have gone Home to Heaven recently, and in each case the Lord also gave them supernatural grace and made their passing a testimony to others. Each of them was very special and very dear to the Lord, to Mama and to the Family. We are printing Heidi's story not because it is more outstanding, but because Heidi and those close to her were able to capture many of their precious lessons on paper—lessons that can now inspire us all.
Details from Heidi's childhood were filled in by her sister, Carol, in her eulogy at the funeral. She said Heidi was a happy child, with a very special relationship with her father, but she became angry and bitter when her father died of cancer when she was 15 years old. Heidi turned into a rebellious and defiant teenager, leaving home and traveling in Australia and then in Asia.
The Lord got the victory, though, when Heidi got saved and joined the Family in 1978 in Sri Lanka, where she also met her husband, Sri Lankan Peter. Peter and Heidi were often on the road then, performing in meetings or on radio programs, witnessing and distributing lit. At one time Heidi was a tape distribution shiner for the Indian subcontinent! After serving the Lord in Sri Lanka and India, they returned to Australia in 1989.
Heidi was involved in Home, Area, and JETT/teen shepherding. During the court case in Melbourne, Australia, she was a member of the local area teamwork with Paul, Faithy, and Christie. One of the PACRO shepherds writes: "The outstanding quality about Heidi was her fire and conviction; she hated to compromise with anything that wasn't according to the Lord's standard. She also had a real heart for the young people, worked closely with them, and really wanted to do all she could to help pull them through their different battles. She was a main pillar during the persecution, ministering to the lawyers and fighting for the Family, and we counted on her input and counsel a lot."
Christie adds that Heidi "had a terrific sense of humor and loved to have a good time. At Family inspirations, she would always be there rattling her tambourine and dancing around, ready to break a few bottles. Ha!"
Christie continues, "When Peter was asked what about Heidi meant the most to him, he shared that as well as her love and caring ways, it was her support—always encouraging him when he had a burden or idea of something to do for the Lord. Heidi's children had a loving respect for her and she was always looking out for their welfare. Even now, she is still very much the standard-bearer, as the kids will say to each other, 'You know Mum wouldn't like you to do that!'"
Paul adds: "Although Heidi loved people very dearly, she didn't always know how to express it. But as she grew weaker she began to show her love and appreciation to people in a much more affectionate and outgoing way, God bless her! Even when she couldn't lift her head or speak, she would motion to you when you entered the room to come hold her hand and she would whisper 'I love you!' Then she would go on to ask, 'What are you doing today?' and ask about the kids, if they were OK and if you were OK!
"Just hours before she went Home, I was reading to her, and when I was finished she lifted her head and whispered, 'Thank you, Paul, that was beautiful!' I had the distinct impression that she had become the strength giver and we were the ones that were in need of encouragement!"
(From Peter Piper of Heidi, written 14/8/95, a few weeks before Heidi went to be with Jesus:)
In early 1994, we felt our relationship was kind of dry and stagnant. As we counseled and prayed for God's guidance, we were even considering being apart from each other for a while. We did not get anything specific about being separate, so we decided to stay together and see what the Lord would do with us. Soon after that, we found out Heidi had cancer, and I can see why the Lord kept us together.
The doctors told us that there was no chance of surgery, as the cancer had already spread too far. All they could do was give Heidi chemotherapy and radiotherapy to hopefully stop the cancer from spreading any further, but they could not guarantee the outcome. It was very difficult to pray and make such a big decision about what to do. We agonized for weeks in prayer before we made a decision to take some treatment.
During the fall of 1994, Heidi had two treatments each of chemotherapy and radiotherapy. After each round of treatment she would be sick for a week, then well for a few weeks. Others helped with our children, and we simply could not have done without all the help, support and prayers of everyone at home, as well as that of our worldwide Family.
Miraculously the Lord gave me grace and strength for our situation. I was at peace in my heart most of the time, though there were times that I just broke down and cried, especially when listening to tapes like "Fear Not."
When I visited Heidi in the hospital, it broke my heart to see so many other people who were sick and suffering but did not know the Lord. It was a real blessing to reach out to them and pray with them, to listen to their heartaches and comfort them.
In late November of '94, the doctors suggested more treatment. This time when we prayed it was very clear not to take any more treatment, but to just trust the Lord to keep Heidi in His loving care, come what may!
In early February of '95 we hit the road on a SWIFT team with Paul and Faith's family and Sarah NZ!—16 children and five adults! We lined up singing programs at retirement villages where we traveled, the Lord supplied everything miraculously, and the children were able to lead many souls to Jesus. This was the first time that our families were able to be on the road together, and we treasured every minute of it. At the end we were able to take a few days to just relax and have fun with the kids on the beach, go fishing, etc.!
After returning home we had to move, and the Lord supplied a beautiful house for us to live in, together with Paul and Faith, Sarah NZ and Jonathan. Heidi's breathing became difficult and at this time the Lord showed us to join a well-known cancer support group. There we met more than 60 people who are in similar circumstances, and whom we have been able to witness to.
Our landlord comes every week to tend the garden. He always asks about Heidi's condition and is getting closer to us. He is going through a separation so I am able to listen to his heartaches and encourage him. During his last visit I gave him a "Fear Not" tape.
The Lord has also used this sickness to draw Heidi's relatives close to Him, as they have come to visit us at least once a month. Heidi recently had a good heart-to-heart talk with her two sisters, as well as with her mother, which bore real good fruit! Her mother was very touched with how we as a Family all help take care of Heidi and our children.
In the last couple of weeks Heidi's condition has been getting worse, as her lung tissue is getting harder and she finds it difficult to breathe. She has been on oxygen most all the time and has to use a wheelchair to get about. A sweet Christian doctor visits her every other day to see how she is. Since she has been finding it difficult to sleep at night, we were able to get a reclining chair which she finds a big blessing. She is able to sit while I read to her or she listens to tapes, like "Quotes on Comfort," "Faith and Healing Scriptures," "When You Need Him Most," "Fear Not," etc. These have all been such a blessing, as have the pubs on Dad's Homegoing and Libby's Homegoing. The Prayer List has become real close to our hearts as we continue to pray for all the requests from our precious Family worldwide.
On the 26th of July, Heidi was very sick and it seemed that she was going to leave us any time. We battled in prayer, and then that same night we received a message containing some beautiful prophecies sent by dear Mama! It was very encouraging for us to realize that all the Lord wanted us to do was trust in Him no matter how bad the situation seemed. (See prophecies in the following article.)
We feel so much of the Lord's Love and we are very thankful for each day that He gives us! We truly can say that if it were not for Jesus and our precious Family, we would not have made it this far. It really is an answer to everyone's prayers that we are at peace and have the faith to go through this time.
Much love and prayers,
Peter
Prophecies received at Mama's Home, sent to Heidi on 26/7/95:)
(Having been a fighter in many areas in her service for the Lord, Heidi fought diligently for her physical healing. As time progressed, though, it was plain her health was failing and she struggled with how to understand these developments. She was also concerned about leaving her husband and children, and to add to all this were the pain and breathing problems she suffered. Mama knew that Heidi was having big battles, so she asked the Lord for some extra special comfort for her. Following are the wonderful messages of encouragement the Lord gave for Heidi about six weeks before she went to be with Him in Heaven.)
(Prophecy:) "Behold this My precious one, this My darling, this My beloved one—My wife to whom I am wed, this one for whom I gave My life! How beautiful and precious in My sight is this, My darling.
"For though she feels weak in herself, and though she feels dirty with sin, and though at times she is buffeted about with the lies and temptations of the Enemy, in spite of these weaknesses she is beautiful in My sight. In spite of the weaknesses of the flesh, I see strength of spirit. I see faith, I see trust. I see her arms and eyes raised, looking unto Me with hope and faith, and it is a beautiful, beautiful thing in My sight!
"I have heard every prayer, I have seen every tear, I have felt every pain. My ear is not deaf to these prayers and My hand is not shortened, but it reaches out even at this moment to give relief and comfort. Not one moment of this one's sufferings is hidden from My eyes. No bit of pain or anguish or torment is unknown to Me.
"For I see and I hear and I understand and I feel, and I know and I care and I love. I have not forgotten this one's prayers, this one's desires. I have not ignored her pleas for My help and comfort. My heart is not hardened toward this one's suffering, for she is My darling. She is My precious one, she is My love. I love her with perfect love, and I have designed every battle and every test that it might make her a more beautiful vessel in My sight, that it might make her a greater testimony of faith and trust even in the midst of battles, even in the midst of pain and unanswered questions.
"For what greater faith is there than to have faith and trust even in the face of death, even in the midst of misery and pain and suffering?—To still be able to raise your hands in faith and to lift up your eyes and say, 'Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him! For I know that my Redeemer lives and that He cares for me and that He loves me. And I know that no good thing will He withhold from them that walk uprightly! All things come from His hands, therefore I will trust and glorify Him!'
"What greater faith is there than this? What greater testimony is there than this? For this I am well pleased. For this I rejoice with great rejoicing! For even though the suffering is great and the pain is great, the faith and the trust is greater!
"Therefore, My beloved one, fear not! Think it not a strange thing—these fiery trials which have come upon you. Think it not a punishment. Think it not a condemnation or that I am pushing you away. For I am not pushing you away. I am not distancing Myself from you, but I am drawing you closer to My bosom. I am taking you in My arms and kissing you and loving you and comforting you in your hour of greatest need.
"Even in your pain, as you call out to Me and reach out to Me in desperation, it brings Me joy to feel you holding Me closely, to feel you resting your head upon My bosom so that I may kiss away your tears, and so that I may comfort you and caress you, so that I may give you My Words of Love and My Words of comfort from My heart to yours, My special message to you, My beloved, My darling.
"Precious one, fear not, but know that I have you and your loved ones in My hands. Your times are in My hands. Every battle, every test is from My hand, and these things are but for a moment. This life you now live is only a moment in time. It is so tiny, so minute, so minuscule when compared with all eternity! These battles you now face are not worthy to be compared with the glory and the honor and the reward which I have prepared for you because of your faith, because of your trust, because of your love—in spite of the pain, in spite of the suffering, in spite of what seem to you to be unanswered prayers.
"But My darling, I hear your prayers, I know your pain and I have you in My arms. Everything is under My perfect control. For this humility that I see, this brokenness of heart, this humbleness, is a wonderful and beautiful thing in My eyes! So be not condemned, be not fearful, but only trust in My Love. Know that I love you, come what may. Know that I love you and let the knowledge of this love and the confidence of this love be your strength. Let it be your guide, let it be your all in all.
"For the things of this life and the things of this Earth shall pass away. They shall be like a blink of your eye, like a moment in time, like a snap of your fingers, and the pain and the suffering will be forgotten. Because the only thing that will matter to you will be your closeness to Me and the love that we share.
"Fear not, My dear one, for your children—for their needs, for their future. For do you not know that I am their Father? I am their Keeper, I am the One that supplies their needs. They are My precious little ones. Will I not care for Mine Own? Will I not comfort them, encourage them, and give them all that they need? Is it not in the power of My hand to do this? I am the One that created these little ones. Can I not supply their needs? Can I not lead and guide them and keep them in the straight and narrow way?
"So, My darling, fear not, worry not. Be not encumbered with the cares of this life, but rest assured that I love you and I will care for you and I will care for your loved ones."
(Prophecy, Dad speaking:) "Dear sweet Heidi! My oh my, how sweet you are! How precious you are! What a fighter you are! How you have battled and how you have fought, and what a glorious thing it is!
"Honey, I know what it's like to fight long, hard battles for your health—to feel so weak, to feel so much pain. I know what it's like to be so in need of strength, to feel so weak in yourself, to sometimes feel so far away from the Lord, to feel so bad and so sinful. Honey, I know what it's like.
"But I also know that it's worth it to trust the Lord. It's worth it to praise through your tears, to smile through your pain, to lift up your arms to the Lord and to trust, to have faith, to know that Jesus loves you, to know that He's going to take care of you, to know that He is in control, that He knows about every battle, every setback, and He understands.
"He hasn't forgotten you. He's not deaf to your prayers. He's not judging you or condemning you or coming down hard on you because He's mad at you. Honey, as hard as it is to understand, He's blessing you and privileging you and honoring you with these battles because He knows that you can take it and He knows that you'll continue to trust Him even though you may weaken here and there.
"Overall, He knows that you're trusting Him through this, and it's a wonderful, wonderful testimony. It's a great victory to be able to be more than a conqueror—to continue to trust in spite of seeming defeat.
"So don't worry that you're not being a good testimony to those around you. You don't have to worry about the Lord's reputation.—He can take care of that! For it is a wonderful testimony. It is a mystery. People are amazed when they see that you can trust the Lord, you can praise the Lord, you can glorify the Lord in spite of your pain and your suffering, in spite of seeming defeat when things don't go as you expect. But you can still say, 'Praise the Lord, I know He loves me! I know He answers prayer! I know He's with me!' This is a great and beautiful testimony! This is something people will never forget. What a great testimony of faith and courage!
"So don't fear and worry, Honey, and feel condemned that you think that you're not being the kind of testimony you would have hoped—a glorious testimony of miraculous healing. Don't worry, Honey, if it seems like you're just battling through day by day and barely making it. Because to be able to have faith in the face of such battles and such suffering is a great thing!
"For this truly is faith—to be able to trust when everything around you is contrary to that attitude, and everything that you see and feel seems to contradict the Lord's Love, the Lord's care, the Lord's safekeeping and the Lord's answers to prayer. But this is the greatest testimony of faith, when you can't see these things but you know they are there! You can't even see or feel the Lord's immediate care, the Lord's answers to your prayers, yet you know He is caring and He is answering.
"When you don't have evidence to prove it, yet you know the Lord's hand is upon your life and He is in control, this is the strongest and most powerful testimony, for this is faith! It's the evidence of things hoped for, it's the ability to believe in things that you don't see and can't feel. Faith will make these things a reality.
"So my dear one, fear not for your testimony. Fear not that you're not having the impact that you would like on your friends and your contacts and those who are watching with bated breath to see what the Lord is going to do. Don't fear that you're not being the kind of testimony that you had hoped, that you're not having the kind of impact on their lives that you had wished for, because the Lord knows that to continue to have faith and trust Him in the midst of battle is a great testimony! It's supernatural! It's something that these people have never seen before and they will never forget it!
"So, Honey, don't be afraid to say, 'Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him!' Don't be afraid to testify that you trust in the Lord's Love and in His care even if things haven't gone the way you have expected, or even if they don't go the way you expect. Continue to testify of the Lord's Love! Testify that you know that He is in control, that your life is in His hands, that everything He does, He does in Love. Continue to glorify and lift up the Name of the Lord.
"Even if you think it may look contrary to people, even if you think that they may look at you as being extreme and being radical and unreasonable in your thinking, still continue to lift up the Lord! Glorify the Lord! Testify of His power and of His healing power and of His Love and of His care for you!
"Continue to say, 'Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him, because He has loved and cared for me, lo, these many years. For 20 years He has cared for me and loved me. He has supplied my every need and protected me. He has proved His Love for me over and over and over, so am I going to quit trusting Him now? Am I going to quit seeing His hand in my life now? Am I going to stop testifying of His Love now, when He has loved me and cared for me for so long? When He has never failed me? Of course not!
'"Of course I'm not going to stop trusting Him and loving Him and knowing that He cares for me, just because now He has chosen this path for my life; just because now He has taken my heart in His hands and squeezed it, that it might bring forth the sweetness of His Love, that it might be an example of beauty for ashes. Will I stop trusting Him just because the path that He leads me down has some dark days, brings tears to my eyes and causes me to suffer? No, I will not stop trusting Him, because I know that He loves me! I know that He hears my prayers. I know that He knows what is best for me!
'"Even if I can't see it now, even if I can't understand it completely now, I know that His Love is true! His Love never fails. He never stops loving me. He never stops hearing my prayers. He never stops caring. He never ceases to understand. He never ignores me. He's never sleeping. He's aware of every detail of my life and He is concerned about everything that concerns me. I know all these things about my Love, about my King, about my Savior, my Husband, and for this reason I will not stop trusting! I will not doubt no matter how dark the path He leads me down. No, I will continue to say, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him," because I trust in His Love!'
"So, my dear, that's how you can witness. That's how you can be a testimony in spite of your pain and in spite of your suffering. You can testify of the Lord's Love, because you know it's true that the Lord has never forsaken you. He has never left you, He has never stopped loving you. He has constantly been attuned to your needs and He has heard your every prayer. He has seen every tear. He knows these things, my dear one, and He understands.
"Honey, in your very weakness is your strength. As you call out to the Lord, as you come into His arms and you find your strength in Him, this is not weakness.—This is true strength! This is what everyone needs to find! Everyone needs to let go of their own strength and their own ways, their own power in the flesh, and run to Jesus' arms. Everyone needs to feel this desperation of Spirit when they know that they have nothing and that they are nothing, that they're barely hanging on, and except for the grace of God they wouldn't even be able to hang on! This is strength.
"Sweet one, testify of this strength that you have found in the Lord, for there are many who are feeling at wit's end. There are many who are confused and who feel so weak in themselves, who are suffering various tests and battles. So testify of the strength that you have found in Jesus' arms, in laying your head on His bosom, in going to Him for your refuge, for your comfort, in looking to Him during your hour of need.
"Testify of these things and strengthen the brethren, for you are not alone in your battles! There are many who battle!—Maybe not exactly the same thing, not an ongoing affliction in the flesh, but still battles that cause them to feel weak and incapable and lost and without hope. So tell them of the hope that you have found in the Lord. Tell them of the strength you have found in His arms. Tell them of His unfailing truth and how it has comforted your heart. Tell them how when things have not turned out as you had expected and you have faced disappointment after disappointment, still He has spoken to your heart and He has given you strength and courage to fight on. Testify of these things and strengthen your brethren! Strengthen the young people!
"Don't feel just because you're in the midst of a battle that you can't have a testimony, that you can't be a witness, that you can't share what you've learned, because this is not true! You do have victory! You have found strength! You are a testimony! You are a walking miracle, because in spite of your pain and suffering you continue to trust the Lord. You continue to have faith. You continue to know that He loves you and He cares, even if sometimes you can't feel it and you can't see it. But you know in your heart He does love you and He does care, and He is in control.
"So don't hesitate to witness, to testify, to speak of His Love. For in many ways it will be an even greater testimony when people see that you are able to trust and have faith in the midst of your battles, that you are able to look through your tears and see the future with hope!
"So don't worry. Take your rest, relax, rest in the Lord's arms. Let Him comfort you. Let Him speak to you. Don't struggle so hard. The only thing you can do in this battle, my dear, is to have faith, to fight the good fight of faith. Do what you can to call out to the Lord, to fight for the victory, to rebuke the Enemy. But the most important thing, my darling, is to rest in the Lord, to trust in Him, to lie in His arms, to feel His comfort and to know that He will never leave you nor forsake you.
"Oh, sweet Heidi, you're such a fighter! You're such a testimony! You're such a good soldier! You're such a wonderful mother and mate to your husband. I've seen you fight a good fight, so don't give up! Don't lose courage! Keep fighting! Keep fighting, Honey, knowing this, that the Lord loves you and I love you, and your Family loves you.
"Everything is going to work out perfectly because the Lord is in control. He loves you! He's going to take care of you. He's going to take care of your children. He's going to take care of Peter. He will not leave you comfortless and He will not suffer you to be tempted above that you are able.
"So just keep fighting, Honey! Keep trusting! Keep loving the Lord. Keep witnessing. Don't give up the fight, for there is upon the horizon a wonderful deliverance! I love you, Honey. You can call on me if you need me. And you can call on your guardian angels, of which there are many. And you can call on great men and women of faith from the past, and they will be ready and willing to help and strengthen you, to come to you in your hour of need.
"For you are encamped 'round about with a great cloud of witnesses, and they are available for you to give you strength, to give you wisdom and power, to give you anointing! Jesus has sent them to you by your side to be your comforters, so don't fail to avail yourself of their power. Listen to their whispers in your heart, their messages of comfort and encouragement. Hear these messages from the spirit world and they shall be such a blessing to you!
"So keep fighting, keep holding on, keep trusting, keep loving and keep witnessing! You won't be disappointed, for He will never leave you nor forsake you, and He will answer all your prayers!"
(From Christie, 5/8/95:)
The prophecies Mama sent Heidi had a major impact on her! Thank You Jesus! They were wonderfully encouraging and Heidi cried as she read them. She said: "I can't believe it! It is so personal! How could anybody know that this is exactly what I have been going through!" God bless her! It was so touching and beautiful and we were all so encouraged! It was a real breakthrough for dear Heidi, and has given her a real peace and assurance that the Lord does love her and is in perfect control of everything. She is no longer questioning, but has a trusting and peaceful spirit about what is ahead for her and her family. A real victory!
(From Peter, 14/8/95:)
Dear Mama and Peter,
God bless you and thank you for your encouraging note and the prophecies. They arrived just at the right time for both of us, on my birthday and when Heidi was having a very bad day with her sickness! We read your message together and were comforted by it. At times we had to stop and cry, as we felt that only the Lord could have known those inner battles that Heidi was going through.
The main thing that spoke to us was that we know the Lord loves us no matter how hard things get, and that's all the faith we need for the situation. Thank you, Mama and Peter and all those around you, for your love and care for all of us!
Love and prayers,
Peter and Heidi
Excerpts of Heidi's Letter to Mama
(Heidi's reaction to the prophecies Mama's staff received for her:)
Dear Mama,
I don't know if you can imagine how timely the message that you sent me was. I'd had a very bad week health-wise, and there were definitely many moments when I didn't know if I was going to make it to the end of the week. I felt very much that the Lord was going to take me. I was a little bit sad. I was still struggling with the physical side of things, because it is so very hard when you can't breathe; I think that is one of the hardest things to go through. Even now the pain and suffering isn't as bad as not being able to get my next breath and wondering if this is it—if this is my last breath.
Just getting this tape done is laborious for me and will probably take a few days, but I do want to share some of the beautiful things that I have learned, especially in relation to the beautiful prophecies that you just sent me from the Lord and Dad. So Lord, please anoint this and help me, in Jesus' Name.
My Reaction to Having Cancer
It has almost been a year now since I was diagnosed as having cancer, and I am very thankful for that year. I am thankful for the time that the Lord has given me. Of course, at first I was devastated with the news and I didn't take it as gracefully as I would have hoped to. But it is devastating news that I am sure anyone would have to come to grips with and get ahold of the Lord about, and each one of us would do so differently.
The disappointments that have come my way during this year actually seemed to get a bit easier every time. Of course, I would always be hoping for the best and hoping for positive results, and when waiting for test results or doctors' verdicts, I would wonder if this would be the time that the Lord was going to heal me. When various doctors would tell me that perhaps I wasn't doing well, or test results would come up worse than previous tests, it could be quite discouraging. But I honestly think that the Lord did prepare me every time and I wasn't really that devastated when there seemed to be a setback. He knows and He has been preparing my heart all along.
I was very encouraged from all that was given in the prophecy about how He hears every prayer and sees every tear and every pain and fear, because sometimes with a sickness like this you feel very alone. You don't really know if anybody understands what you are going through. You feel they probably don't, they can't imagine what you are feeling; it's just between you and the Lord. So it was very, very comforting to hear in the prophecies that the Lord is there for me, and Dad too!
During times when I was in pain, I often thought of Dad, as he went through a lot of pain with his many afflictions, and I always wondered how he did it. But I can see that he did it because he had a lot of faith and trust and I always admired that.
Questions about Faith and Healing
One of the things I battled with the most over the last months has been the age-old question of faith, and faith for healing. I've always had a lot of faith in the Lord's healing. He has brought me through many different things in my life that He gave me faith for, and He has healed me and my children in different situations. I always have and always will believe that God can heal anything!
But when it came to myself, I believed that He could, but I didn't know if He was going to. I struggled with this for a long time, and I also wondered if even having that struggle showed that there was simply a lack of perfect faith, because faith is knowing, and I didn't know that the Lord was going to heal me.
I battled with this for a long time. Everybody around me always spoke faith, expressed trust and talked about healing and miracles. I also got prayers, messages and prophecies from all over the world from the Family. Everything always indicated that I would get healed, and of course, I believed myself that God was going to heal me. But as time went on, your Letters about prophecy, and those after Dad's Homegoing were super encouraging, because I started to wonder about the prophecies received for me. All the people around the world were getting prophecies for me and saying that I would be healed, but what if I wasn't? Did that mean the prophecies were wrong? Were the people off the track? So your Letters, Mama, were very, very enlightening and helpful and very basic and simple and down to earth.
Anyway, to read the prophecies which you just sent about being able to have faith in the midst of adversity and trust during the sickness and through it and even maybe till death—that really helped clear up that question in my mind. I know I am trusting the Lord, because He's all I can depend on. He's all I've got!
(Editor's note: As Mama wrote in "The 'Jonah Phenomenon,'" (ML #2969, GN 618), the Lord gave Jonah a strong prophecy, and then He did something other than what He had originally said He would do. When praying about Heidi's questions above as we were working on this FSM, we asked the Lord if He had some further explanation for us. As always, He graciously filled in a bit more of the picture on her situation. Please see the prophecy in the box on the following page.)
When I get hit with a very bad attack of pain or not being able to breathe and I fret and sometimes get distressed, then I get discouraged about falling short as much as I do. I want to be peaceful, I want to trust the Lord, and He has pulled me through every time. All that to say—to hear the Lord and Dad say that I'm doing great was so special.
I sure don't feel great when I'm battling for every breath, and not able to do anything sometimes. I've gone through big bouts of discouragement about the medication I have to take, feeling like it was a downward turn. But I just have to start looking at everything in a positive way. So now I'm thankful I'm able to have it, as it enables me to be with other people, and with my kids, for whatever time the Lord has me here.
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Prophecy regarding Heidi's Questions about Faith
I have acted as I promised. I healed her; I kept her for a year, I taught her many lessons. And as the time was fulfilled, I brought her unto Me. Do not fear that she had little faith, for many are needed Here. Your Father David has needed a force to work with!
She felt she was failing, but then I showed a greater plan, a more far-reaching plan.—Father David needed and wanted more helpers, and I needed her, so I called her to the Other Side. All was in My hand, all was under My control.
My plans change; they evolve, they develop. This is not always for you to understand, but simply to follow. For this reason did your Father David say you should hear from Me fresh every day. You cannot go by last year's instructions; you cannot go on old inspiration; you cannot use the strength from yesterday for today. For every day a man's or woman's strength is renewed, refreshed, revitalized, as he or she hears from Me and believes and acts on My voice.
Yet show I unto you a more excellent way—the way of complete love and submission to Me. For as I have said, to die is gain—it is utter closeness and union with Me. Blessed are they which die in the Lord. This was My perfect plan, and I did call Heidi, therefore fear not and worry not. For all is in My hand—her life, her presence with Me, her children, her husband, all those that have loved her. For I do all things well.
For it is not that she failed Me. If her faith waned, if she did not "know"I would heal her physically, it was because I wanted her Here with Me. And in weakening her flesh, I strengthened her spirit in Me. In bringing her to the end of herself, I did show her Myself. And she was sweeter and more loving than she had ever been. For I do all things well.
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No Longer Leaning on the Arm of the Flesh
One of the other big lessons that I have learned through this time has been about leaning on the arm of the flesh. Lord, help me please to share this because I think it is a very, very important lesson. Having been a shepherd and a leader in the Family for many years, I can honestly look back and say that I feel that most of my decisions were my decisions. They were mine, and done in the arm of my flesh, I feel.
The position that the Lord has me in now is so different. I am so utterly dependent on Him and others and my Family and friends and the Word, that I couldn't even make a decision at this point in time. Everything is dependent on the Lord and I don't even feel capable of making decisions about anything. I don't really have to, thank the Lord. But I think that's the way the Lord wants us to be, much more than we are: He wants us to be very weak in ourselves, so that He can show His strength.
I was a strong person. I was very capable, very able to get things done, and of course that kind of person is sometimes not as loving as they need to be, especially if in a position of responsibility. I could be very quick and not take enough time with people. But right now I feel like just resting in the Lord's arms. I feel that is really all that matters. I don't know how to get that message across to the Family. I don't know how I would have gotten it, except to be put in the position that I am in now, and obviously the Lord can't do that to everybody. But if there was any way to be able to get that lesson across to others, I would be so glad.
Maybe some of us have lost a bit of our fear of the Lord because we are so strong in ourselves, Lord help us! I don't know how we got that way; I don't know how I got that way—I guess it was through pride. We must feel that we are good and better than we are and more capable than we are, because if we didn't feel that way we would be throwing ourselves more on the Lord.
The prophecies say it very clearly and very well: "Everybody needs to feel that desperation of spirit, when they know that they have nothing and that they are nothing, that they can barely hang on. Except for the grace of God they wouldn't even be able to hang on." That pretty much sums it up, and I believe this is something the Lord has been showing me all these months.
Prayer
Another lesson is about prayer, and my prayer life. My prayer life now compared to what it was a year ago is vastly different—like night and day! I don't even know if I could have said that I had a prayer life before! This seems like a drastic thing to say, but I think it is true.
I suppose that before, prayer wasn't so much of listening to the Lord but just asking for His okay on my own plans. Or it was a matter of praying and praying and not really expecting answers, but figuring you already had them, or you and your teamwork already had them. Looking back, I think this is very sad.
Something that I am very thankful for now is that my prayer life is just talking with Jesus. A lot of times it's just crying out to Him, speaking to Him from my heart, not asking Him anything, not expecting anything, but just knowing that He is there and being able to talk to Him whenever I need Him.
I probably still have a long way to go, as many times I don't feel as close to the Lord as I need to. I pray desperately that I will, because if the time comes, I really want to have dying grace. I want to have that perfect peace that passeth all understanding. I don't want to be struggling with anything at the end. I want to be able to give it all to the Lord and trust Him completely, forever. (Editor's note: As you will see from the testimonies below, the Lord did give Heidi this sweet peace and rest and trust in Him, God bless her!)
He Can Take Care of My Kids—and Everything!
One thing that I am very, very thankful for is how the Lord has shown me during this past year that He is capable of taking care of everything, particularly in regard to my children. I have always been very close to my kids, involved with their spiritual walk with the Lord and shepherding them, especially the teens and JETTs. I suppose I always thought that I had to be there, I had to do it, because if I didn't, who would?
Well, when I got sick it was obvious that the Lord was doing something else in my life and I had to forsake all and give up the kids in a way and let go and let God take care of them.—And He did! When I got out of the way, the Lord took care of them. In fact, He took care of them so well that I feel like they are doing so much better now than ever before! Of course, they have learned a lot through my sickness and all the trials and tribulations and battles we have had to struggle through together. They have been real soldiers. But I feel that my teens are a lot closer to the Lord now than they have been.
This has been a really big lesson for me. It was another case of leaning on the arm of the flesh, I suppose, trusting in myself and my own abilities and talents and things like that. We can't lean on the Lord completely unless we really, really know with all our hearts that we are weak and that we are nothing. I don't think the Lord can use our natural abilities and talents as much as He would like to because we are in the way.
Seeing Our Family in a New Light
When I first got cancer it seemed as though I was thrown into a whole world I didn't even know existed, a world of people who are in the same position as I am but think in many different ways. There are a lot of different support groups, meditation groups, hundreds of alternate therapies and diets that are believed to be helpful, if not cures for cancer.
We did eventually join a support group for cancer patients. Peter and I found a lot of sheep there, people who are very desperate, who appreciate some place where they can go and talk with people they can relate to.
Before I went there I don't think I ever, ever fully realized or saw how much we have in the Family. Right now in the Home I have Peter taking care of me full-time. Paul and Faithy have taken care of me spiritually, physically, and emotionally right from the beginning. I mean, they are constantly, always there for me and always will be, I believe. Christie has come down from Sydney every chance she had to help with the kids and just to be here. I feel folks in the Home treat me as though I'm the only thing that matters in the world.
I've sometimes sat in therapy sessions—which is just like heart-sharing really—and I've heard some of the people there talk about how little support they have, how little friendship. I've seen how lonely and sad their lives are, and it absolutely breaks my heart for them. They hear about us and they look at us as though they're thinking, "Oh how terrible! You've got eight children and you're dying! You must be absolutely the worst off of anyone in the group!"
One of our sessions went this way and people started thinking that we were the saddest case in the room. When our turn to speak came around, I had to tell everybody that I felt so different than what they were saying about us. After they shared all their own difficulties, I felt that we had everything!
We have Jesus! We have faith in a future that we will share together! My children and I have the faith that of course we are going to be together one day soon in Heaven and that Heaven is the most wonderful Place! The kids have always known about it, always believed in it. They believe in it now and know it's there and it's not just a fairy tale. I have people taking care of me and the children full-time. Words almost fail me to explain how different things are out there in the world and how much we have in the Family!
I wanted to thank you and Dad and everybody who has prayed for me and helped take care of me.—They are absolute saints! I don't think I could have made it through what I am going through if they had not been there for me. I probably would have given up long ago, but they are certainly faithful.
My husband Peter has been absolutely incredible all along. I think the Lord has given him a fantastic amount of grace. He has spoken faith, absolute faith, from the beginning till the end. He has never wavered, he's never let me down on anything, he's always there for me. He's always there to pick me up, to pray with me, to turn me to the Lord when I can't do it myself, to read to me, to encourage me to get my eyes back on Jesus. He has that unwavering faith that the Lord is in control and that He is going to take care of everything.
I'm so very very thankful to have a Family all over the world that can pray for someone like me. I know they are praying for me—they're getting prophecies, they send me cards and words of encouragement, and that is very special.
God's Grace for the Children
The children have also been amazing through this whole thing. Actually just the night before I received your message, we had a little talk together, as I felt it was time for them to realize a few things. They all, but especially the older one, have known all along what could possibly happen. But that night we got together because I had been doing so poorly that week. I really didn't know if I was even going to make it through that night, so we all got together and we talked about it.
I told them that Mummy is still sick and the Lord hasn't taken away the cancer as yet and maybe it isn't His will to answer our prayers in that way. We don't know what He wants to do, but we do know that whatever He does, He does it in love. I told them that if it's the Lord's time and will to take me Home, then I wanted them to be prepared for it. I wanted them to know that it could be any moment—a day, a week, a month—but I didn't want it to happen during the night and for them to feel that they hadn't realized it would happen that soon.
So we discussed it together and they're just so full of faith. Of course, it will be sad for them, I'm sure, but I do pray that they'll have supernatural grace. I'm sure the Lord will give it to them, because that's just how they've been brought up all their lives—with great faith about Heaven and Jesus and the Afterlife and everything beautiful we have to look forward to.
A couple of weeks before that, I had decided to do a few things for the kids. I thought about giving each one a portrait of Mummy. (See cover.) We were able to provision that, and we also got a family photo taken, which a lot of people have been asking for. I started making some tapes of Grandpa stories and Kidz Komics for the little ones, so they can listen to Mummy's voice sometimes. We're now making a short home video for the little ones so they can always watch the video of me and the kids interacting and doing fun little things together.
I felt good about starting those little projects. I hope that they will be a blessing for them, and they will keep those things and treasure them.
I've told them that I'll always be their mum and I'll always be there for them. We talked about whether I would be able to come back and speak to them and give them dreams and things like that. I told them that I don't know if I would be, but I'd really like to.—That's my prayer, that I will be able to watch over them and be one of their guardian angels. I really pray that is the Lord's will. It would be very sweet.
The prophecies your Home received for me talk about availing myself of the great cloud of witnesses around me. I've never thought much about having any special saints or angels helping me, or great men and women of faith from the past. I would like to pray that I would be able to get into the spirit world now a lot more and then later be able to punch through from the Other Side. Maybe you could pray for that, too, that the Lord would help that happen, and also that right now I'll be able to hear the whispers in my heart and the little messages of comfort and encouragement.
Well, Mama, as I have told you, physically things are not looking up. But spiritually I feel very encouraged, very close to you, and to the Lord, and to dear Dad. I'm very very very thankful for your message and the prophecies. Thank you for taking your time to think of me, and to have folks pray and receive it all, and to pass it on. That was just absolutely wonderful. It was at a time when I wondered if the Lord was forsaking me. I knew He wasn't but I get that way sometimes, and I wonder where things are going, what's happening and when it will end.
Last week I had been getting that verse, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" (Job 13:15), and it was in the prophecies a few times. That's how I was feeling, that was my prayer—that I would trust the Lord no matter what. I have had a little struggle about it because Job was able to say that, but then the Lord did heal him. But Dad and the Lord made it clear that it can be such a testimony to trust unto death—to just battle and fight in the midst of misery and pain and suffering, and still be able to lift up your heart and your eyes in faith and trust to the Lord.
Many times I can't even pray, I don't even have the breath left in me to praise the Lord out loud, only in my heart. I can't sing any more—something that I love to do—because I don't have any breath. It all has to be in my heart, just between me and Jesus, which is very special.
I would like you to pray, if you get the chance, that if I do go Home at this time, it will be as quickly and easily as possible, and that it won't be in a great deal of pain or anguish but just a sweet, loving time, that the Lord will use for His Glory. (Editor's note: God bless Heidi! The Lord did answer her sweet prayer for a beautiful Homegoing, as you will see in the following testimonies.)
(From Faithy of Paul:)
The last few days before Heidi went Home, although her body was struggling desperately, we all felt a definite strengthening in her spirit, and a feeling of peace came over her even though she wasn't able to speak to us very much. Peter, Christie, Paul and I were with her when she left us, and our sweet Christian doctor (who is a real angel) was present also.
Just moments before the Lord took her Home, she raised her head and said, "Who are all these people? Why is this crowd in the room? What are we all doing here?" Ha! Christie and I turned around and saw that it was only us in the room and realized that she was seeing the "host of Heaven" that surrounded her!
We said, "It's OK, Honey, it's just your angels waiting for you!" She actually did that a number of times, drifting back and forth, in and out of consciousness. The last time she did it, the doctor heard her and said, "She is on the brink and being called by both worlds!" It was only a few more moments and she was gone, straight into the arms of Jesus, freed from her suffering forever! Hallelujah! Thank You Jesus!
Peter was so overwhelmed with joy and thankfulness that he laughed and cried and praised the Lord all at the same time! We all did; it was a very emotional moment, especially for dear Peter, who had been so close to her. He had been like her guardian angel here on Earth, hardly ever leaving her for even a short time. (At the funeral, Paul's eulogy told how Peter had cared for Heidi night and day, never complaining or showing any sign of discouragement, even when he would go for days without sleep. He was a literal fulfillment of the marriage vow "to love and to cherish, in sickness and in health, till death us do part"! God bless him! He was a wonderful sample to us all of humility and longsuffering!)
After a few more moments passed, Paul thanked the Lord for answering our prayers and sparing Heidi from a long period of suffering. Then the doctor bowed his head and prayed right along with us. It was a very special and precious few moments and something that we will never forget.
(From Christie:)
For the funeral service, we chose a very simple but beautiful, rustic-looking church in the country, made out of polished timber and mud brick. The cemetery nearby overlooks picturesque rolling green hills. Peter and the children picked out a spot for the grave under a beautiful big tree. Jeff, a pastor that the Family has gotten to know over the past few years, organized it for us, God bless him! It was a miracle in itself!
Approximately 200 people attended, mainly "Family," but also many of Peter's relatives, plus most of our lawyers, God bless them! It really touched our hearts to see that they took time away from court to attend. They were very teary-eyed, especially Trish (Liz's partner who is very close to us, as is Liz, one of our lawyers). She just couldn't stop crying and had to excuse herself and go home. There were also most of the Family's closest friends, plus people that Peter and Heidi had met through various cancer organizations.
Heidi's sisters and mother were also there; they stayed with us this past week. They are very precious and it was sad to see them go through it so much in spite of our trying to comfort them, as they don't have the same background of faith that we do.
An unexpected guest was a man that ran the organic food shop where Heidi used to buy her food. He said that it was the most beautiful funeral he had ever attended. The Christian doctor also said the same thing—that it was the warmest and most touching funeral he had ever been to. Praise the Lord!
We had lots of photos of Heidi throughout her life, from when she was a baby up until just a few weeks before she died. These were framed and put up on the altar behind the coffin. After the funeral, people crowded around the altar to look at the beautiful photos.
Paul opened the service, welcoming everyone and saying that we were there to celebrate Heidi's life. Some of the songs were "Amazing Grace," "Somebody Prayed," "He'll Understand and Say, 'Well Done,'" "Some Golden Daybreak," and a beautiful song that Jeff (formerly Jesse) wrote. Heidi's sister, Carol, gave a eulogy, as did Christie, Paul, and her teen daughter, Michelle (aged 16), who talked about "Our Brave Little Mom" in a particularly touching part of the service. Paul shared verses and quotes from a Daily Might, saying, "Jesus took the sting out of it. We pass through death, yes, but without the sting; through the grave, but with victory for us, not the grave! It's Heidi's Homegoing, a relief, a deliverance, her coronation day!"
(From Peter, written after Heidi's Homegoing: )
During the last weeks before Heidi went Home, we had people from a home nursing service come and check on her a couple of times a week. They were very very touched by the Family's sample of the Lord's Love in their care for Heidi. Very often when they came, they commented on the tapes we had playing, so I gave them a "Fear Not" tape and some tracts which contained the Salvation prayer. They were very touched and commented that they had never seen a lady who was so peaceful and always caring about others. It was surely the Lord's Love and His Spirit that they saw.
It really spoke to me, too, how through everything, even when Heidi was in a lot of pain, she didn't complain and she didn't murmur. One evening we had a precious visit from a Greek gentleman, a businessman who has known the Family for over nine years and testified on the Family's behalf during Lamb's court case. He got up on the stand and really stood by the Family, a very sweet gentleman. We had a beautiful visit and prayed together at the end. When we opened our eyes after the prayer, he said, "Heidi, I thought I had problems, but to see what you're going through, and seeing how God's peace is on you—it's a tremendous testimony to me. This is a very special visit for me," he said.
This has of course been a unique experience. I don't know why the Lord chose me to go through this with Heidi, but I know He loves me, He cares for me, and He knows I must be able to handle this time of trial, or otherwise He wouldn't have given it to me. I feel it's a privilege to carry the cross that He's given me. I also feel so privileged to have received all the love that everybody's shown, specifically from Paul and Faithy, Christy and Ginny, the Family here in Melbourne, and also the Family all over the world through their prayers.
I'm looking forward to just doing whatever I can to help others find God's Love. I know as time goes on, the Lord will fill the empty place in my heart. Right now I'm trying to love Jesus with all my heart, and I pray that God will give me the grace to do that, and that through the breaking of my heart He'll be able to use me more to accomplish His purposes.
Something Heidi told me during the last week stands out. She said, "Nothing matters except loving the Lord and loving others." She also told me: "I know you'll be fine, and the kids will be fine. Don't be disheartened that you're by yourself. I know God's going to take care of you. I'm not worried about it at all."
I remember the vision Ginny got on the night we had Communion shortly before Heidi went Home. (Ginny had read our request for help in a want ad, and after prayer, decided to come from Japan to help us, God bless her, two weeks before Heidi graduated.) (Editor's note: See "State of the Nation," ML #3017:117, GN 654, where Mama describes Ginny's sacrificial decision to go to Australia to help Heidi and her family.)
She had a vision that Heidi was lying on her back and then Jesus reached down, kissed her, and took her breath away. And that's exactly what happened: I laid her down, Jesus kissed her and took her breath away, just like that. Heidi had prayed that she would go in her sleep and quickly, and it happened just as she had prayed.
(From Ginny:)
One thing I noticed right away was how cheerful and uncomplaining Heidi was. I only knew her the last two weeks of her life—probably the very two weeks which were the most painful and difficult for her—yet she never gave me any "poor me" tales and hardly dwelt on her suffering, which was quite amazing considering all she went through. She was a gracious sufferer.
Also, right up until the very day she died she was a concerned mother and hostess. She asked us to be sure to care for a visitor who was coming by the afternoon of the day she died. She could hardly lift her head, yet she nearly always expressed her appreciation for things I'd hand her or did for her. She asked about the children, were they in bed, had they said their prayers, etc.
Despite the weakness of her flesh, I was impressed by the strength of spirit she showed. I expected to find her quiet and languishing, considering her condition, but right up until a day or so before she left us she was incredibly "on top of it"—diligently watching after us from her chair!
I'm sure her positive attitude went a long way in keeping her going. It's been a special experience for me to see firsthand someone who was "more than a conqueror," who trusted through great difficulties—a sample which I won't forget. I know she must've been sustained by a very special link with Jesus. The verses I got for her were Romans 8:35-37: "Who shall separate us from the Love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us."
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The following prophecy was given at Mama's Home shortly after James McKeever, a Family friend, went to be with the Lord (see "State of the Nation," ML #3017:274, GN 654, 10/95). In this prophecy Dad gives interesting insights into Heaven, and mentions Heidi's arrival There!
(Dad speaking:You know, when you first arrive up Here it's pretty overwhelming, but it's so wonderful! You're so relieved. Right away you feel so much love, you feel so loved by the Lord. You feel so loved, it just permeates every fiber of your being, and you feel such forgiveness. You feel pretty small, too, because you thought you knew so much, but then you get Here and you find out—wow!—you hardly knew anything at all! Like old Paul said, you see through a glass darkly, but then face to face. It's really true.
You marvel at the wonders that are Here! You marvel at the wonders of His Word that you didn't understand. You marvel at the broadness of His Love; the Love is just overwhelming! And it's so enlightening!
I've said a number of times that you see things differently from Here, and it's so true! But when you've lived for the Lord and you know His Truth, His Word, and you've served Him to the best of your ability, then you come Here in a position in which you can be used pretty straight away, because you're used to yielding, you're used to listening, you're used to obeying. You come in as a trained soldier, someone who is pretty much available to use right away, and that's a real asset!
I talked about the Lord's behind-the-scenes operations, and I got that pretty right. There is a great deal that we on This Side do. Actually, there is a lot of interaction between us Here and you there, mostly behind-the-scenes stuff. But I got it pretty right!
So when someone like James [McKeever] is called, they can be quite used when they get Here! They need to learn the ropes a bit and they need the time to enjoy all there is, to get used to the Love, and not to be so overwhelmed by everything. But they're able to be used in the Lord's service pretty much right away because they've been used to being in the Lord's service already.
Many will benefit from his help. You'll even benefit from his help some, as will others. Just like you benefit from my help, and just like the kids are going to benefit from the girls' help [referring to the five Family teen girls who recently died in the Austin car accident].
It's just like in nature when the leaves fall off a tree and die, but they fertilize the tree and strengthen it. Well, it's just about like that. We pass from there to Here. We die, but then we are able to help strengthen the tree. Our life is not over, for our spirits have just passed on, crossed the veil to the Other Side, to this glorious, glorious Heavenly place full of Love, full of warmth, full of enlightenment, full of Truth. And if we've been faithful to serve Him there, then Here we continue to serve Him in a very useful manner.
Just like dear Heidi who just arrived! [This was about a week after Heidi went to be with the Lord.] Oh, she's so happy! So free! I just love her! She still is in the overwhelmed stage. She just loves it Here. Because of her faithfulness and her trusting and her service, she too will be greatly used!
See, that's the way it works! He that is faithful in that which is least, is faithful also in much. If you're faithful to give your best while there—and it doesn't matter what you're doing, just if you're faithful to give your best, to serve Him, to love Him, to obey Him, to yield—you can be greatly used Here! You skip a lot of grades because you've already passed them!
Like the Lord says, "Be faithful unto death and I will give you a crown of life" (Rev.2:10). When you get Here, if you've been faithful, you're crowned, you're able to be used further in His service, and it's wonderful! You know it was worth it all! You know it was worth the tests and the trials.
So be faithful! Faithfully serve Him. Faithfully love Him. Faithfully witness. Faithfully do His bidding. And believe me, He will be faithful to you! He will reward you abundantly above all that you could ask or think!
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Copyright 1996 The Family