Mama's Memos!--No.4 Maria #396 CM 3138 3/97
Subject: A How-to of the Practical Application of "Going for the Gold"!
--A condo of the Questions and Answers in GN 657!--By Maria
1. "Go for the gold" is a slogan that we frequently hear and refer to in the Family nowadays, but you may ask yourself, "What exactly does it mean?!" A number of folks have written to Peter and me about specific practical questions concerning sexual sharing and birth control, and it's clear that many of you still do not fully understand the instruction from the Lord in the Letter "Go for the Gold" (ML #2961, GN 657). For example, some singles, young people in particular, have thought that they were only "going for the gold" if they were fucking on their dates. Some have mistakenly thought that if they didn't "go all the way and trust the Lord" during their date, that they were lacking in faith and weren't going for the gold. This is not the case, since the Lord said that you singles should "trust the Lord" and not use any birth control if you decide to have full intercourse, but that you could abstain from fucking and still be going for the gold and pleasing Him just as much. Others have drawn the conclusion that our senior teens and YAs can't have any sex at all until they're married, and that they have to be completely celibate if they want to "go for the gold." Still others have wrongly concluded that people can use condoms for birth control and still be "going for the gold," as long as they're not married to each other. We don't blame you or criticize you for not completely understanding the instruction in the "Go for the Gold" GN, or for getting a little mixed up, because this is a complex revelation and it's not easy to grasp all its different angles.
2. The answers to most questions you would come up with are addressed in detail in the "Go for the Gold" GN, and we'd certainly recommend that you reread and study it if possible, in order to gain a full understanding of the Lord's views on this matter. However, since it's such a long GN, we understand that it's difficult for many of you to find the time to pore over it in full. If that's the case, maybe you could at least try to read the "Questions and Answers" section of the GN.
3. In addition to that, we felt it would be helpful to give you, via this memo, a summary of how to practically apply the "Go for the Gold" counsel. Hopefully, this summary will make it easier for you to grasp and remember the most important principles, and will answer your most frequently-asked questions.
4. In the following pages we have compiled the questions and answers from the GN which explain the practical application of "going for the gold." We pray that reviewing these points will help you to see how you can put the Lord's counsel into practice when sharing sexually.
5. Question: What is "going for the gold"?
6. Answer: The principle of "going for the gold" can be applied to many areas of our lives and whether we're trusting the Lord 100% and yielding our lives to Him completely. The practical explanation of "going for the gold" as far as sex and birth control is concerned is as follows: For married couples, "going for the gold" means that they have chosen to trust the Lord completely in their sexual relationship with each other, using no form of birth control. For unmarried people (either singles or married people who are making love to someone other than their mates), to "go for the gold" means that when they share with others, if they decide to have full intercourse, they trust the Lord and use no form of birth control, or they opt for mutual masturbation.
7. Question: What is the difference between the gold, silver and bronze medals?
8. Answer: The word picture about the gold, silver and bronze medals when related to sex and birth control is applicable only when a person decides to have full intercourse. This needs to be understood, because as the Lord brought out, singles and married people (when sharing with someone other than their mate) can be in the Lord's highest will (going for the gold) without having full intercourse. But if you choose to have full intercourse--whether you are married or single--the gold medal means you're trusting the Lord completely. You're not using any form of birth control, and as a result, the Lord promises to give you perfect peace, and bless and reward you fully.
9. The silver medal means you have chosen to have intercourse, but you don't feel you can trust the Lord fully concerning pregnancy. You bring it before the Lord in desperate prayer, and you do as you feel led by Him, which may mean you decide to use some form of birth control. Because you're not trusting the Lord fully, you must bear the weight of this decision yourself. The Lord said that in such a case He can't bless you fully or give you complete peace.
10. The bronze medal means you have chosen to have intercourse, but you do not feel you can trust the Lord concerning pregnancy. You don't seriously pray about it, but you just take matters into your own hands and do whatever you think is best, using some form of birth control. But because you don't seek the Lord about this and commune with Him and receive His instructions for you personally, you must carry much more weight on your own, and you will receive less reward and blessing. Yet because you are still giving your life to Him in His service, you still receive a medal.
11. Question: When married people, who have made a commitment in their marriage to "go for the gold" share with someone other than their mate, do they need to have full sexual intercourse with that person, if they want to "go for the gold"?
12. Answer: No. When married people share with someone other than their mate, they are considered "unmarried" or "single" in the Lord's eyes. Therefore, they can avail themselves of the same dispensation of grace that allows unmarried people to choose other forms of lovemaking besides intercourse (such as masturbation or oral sex) and still be within God's highest will. (In the "Go for the Gold" illustration, when the man of one married couple shares with the woman of another married couple, or vice versa, the man and the woman are both considered singles.) So married people would be going for the gold if they are trusting the Lord completely in their sexual relationship with each other or with others, or if they're refraining from having full intercourse when sharing with others.
13. (PS: Men engaging in oral sex with women is not forbidden under the Charter, and is therefore permitted. However, men who wish to do so should remember Dad's cautions in ML #539:25, 1315:51, and 1566:93.)
14. Question: If unmarried people, either people who are single or who are not married to each other, choose not to have intercourse but instead to do something else when they share, are they being less obedient or is the Lord less pleased with them than if they were to fuck? Is fucking the Lord's highest will when unmarried people share?
15. Answer: Unmarried people are within the Lord's highest will if they prefer not to fuck but engage in other forms of lovemaking instead. You singles are still "going for the gold" and are not being less obedient or pleasing the Lord less when you decide not to have full intercourse, since you're showing each other love and affection and meeting each other's needs.
16. Question: Is there any way that I can use condoms and still be "going for the gold"?
17. Answer: The use of condoms for the purpose of birth control is not "going for the gold." The Lord has made it clear that anyone who makes the decision to have sexual intercourse--whether it be a married couple when sharing with each other, a single with another single, or a married person with someone other than his or her mate--would need to trust the Lord regarding pregnancy and use no contraceptive measures if they wish to "go for the gold." Regardless of the marital status of those involved, if people choose to have sexual intercourse, then if they want to "go for the gold" the Lord asks them to trust Him. The key phrase here is "if people choose to have sexual intercourse." If and when you go all the way, the Lord prefers that you trust Him fully, which means not using condoms.
18. The exception to this would be if a couple were to use condoms for the sake of not passing on a sexually transmitted disease. A couple could still be "going for the gold" when using a condom during sexual intercourse if the purpose of the condom was for sanitary measures rather than birth control. (Note: There is more on this subject later in this memo.)
19. Question: Two unmarried people are going to share. One wants to go all the way, the other doesn't. What should they do?
20. Answer: Two unmarried people should not go all the way unless both are in agreement. And if only one wants to go all the way, he or she should not pressure the other to do so, either before or during the date. To do so is unloving and contravenes the Charter. (See pg.138 of the Charter, Point 11.H.)
21. Question: When and how do you decide what you're going to do on a date?
22. Answer: You and your date partner should discuss it and come to an agreement beforehand. It's best not to just "let things happen" as your date is in progress, because you could easily get carried away and end up fucking when that's not really what you want to do or have the faith for. Honest communication and coming to an understanding before you start your lovemaking is advisable.
23. Question: If my mate is going to share outside of our marriage union, do I have some say in what happens on the date?
24. Answer: Yes. For example, if a married man is going to share with a single woman, the wife of the man should be consulted and give her consent as to whether or not her mate and the single woman will have full intercourse (thereby possibly resulting in pregnancy). The husband and single woman should not have sexual intercourse without the consent of the wife. Of course, the same counsel would apply if it were a married woman sharing with a single man.
25. Question: Are people obligated to get married if a pregnancy results from their lovemaking?
26. Answer: No, it is not a hard and fast rule. But the Lord indicated that under most circumstances that is what He would want, for the sake of the child.
27. Question: Who decides whether a couple should get married if their lovemaking results in pregnancy?
28. Answer: The decision is up to the man and woman involved. Of course, they can feel free to seek counsel from their shepherds, parents, etc., but the final decision is theirs. (See the Marriage Rules in the Charter, pages 154-158.)
29. Question: When unmarried people abstain from sexual intercourse, isn't that a form of birth control? What's the difference between abstaining from fucking and using a condom?
30. Answer: No. The Lord has made it clear that two singles abstaining from full sexual intercourse does not constitute birth control. He is graciously allowing the blessing of limited sexual fellowship (mutual masturbation or oral sex), without it being considered birth control, because He wants you to have an avenue to share love and meet each other's needs without the fear of pregnancy. However, the Lord has put a price tag of responsibility on full intercourse. If you decide to enjoy the full union and pleasure of intercourse with another, then He asks you to take on the responsibility of trusting Him for the outcome.
31. Question: If one person has had herpes and the person they're sharing with has not, should they use a condom? If so, how does this relate to the "go for the gold" message?
32. Answer: The Charter says, "If two people are sharing and one has had a herpes outbreak and the other hasn't, they may, if they choose, use a condom as a means of protection. If you have been completely healed of herpes--that is, you haven't had an outbreak of herpes in a number of years--it is still required that you inform your partner that you have previously had herpes, and it is still the prerogative of the other person to ask that you use a condom while sharing." (For more on this, see the Sex and Affection Rules, J.1-3.)
33. If you use a condom for disease control, that is different from birth control. Dad said, "I've never forbidden condoms for sanitary purposes!" (ML #1458:20).
34. ({\ul \i Note}: If someone has an {\ul \i active case} of a sexually transmitted disease [EDITED: "STD"], herpes or something else, it is {\ul \i possible} for that person to have sexual intercourse using a condom and not transmit the disease to his or her partner. However, it is {\ul \i not recommended}, as condoms are not 100% foolproof. They are not {\ul \i guaranteed} to protect you. There is still a risk of passing on the disease. A news clip recently reported that a doctor asked for a show of hands at a medical convention on how many of the doctors attending would have sex, even though protected by a condom, with someone who they knew had an active viral STD. Not a single doctor raised his hand. Also, condoms are not always of good quality; they are sometimes {\ul \i defective}; and they also sometimes come off, leak, tear or burst during intercourse. Also remember that if there is an active herpes outbreak on a part of the body which is not covered or shielded completely by the condom, then the condom would not prevent transmission.
35. (Of course, certain precautions must be followed when using condoms to ensure the greatest protection possible. The condom must be worn during the entire sexual encounter, rather than just slipping it on at the last minute. It also must fit properly, covering the whole penis. Also, there are different types of condoms. Latex is the most common, and is the most effective against STD. Some condoms are made from animal matter, which is popular because they apparently allow more sensation, but they do not protect against germs. So for {\ul \i disease protection}, it is necessary to use {\ul \i latex} condoms, taking into consideration the proper use of condoms as mentioned above.
36. (If you have had herpes but you do {\ul \i not} have an {\ul \i outbreak} at the time, then you would not have what is considered "an {\ul \i active case} of a sexually transmitted disease." If you are {\ul \i sure} that you do not have an outbreak at the time you are having sex, then it is usually unlikely that you would pass on the disease to your partner, especially if you were to use a condom. As ML #1254:5 says, "[EDITED: "Herpes"] is extremely contagious and virulent when {\ul \i active}!--As evidenced by sores, blisters and itching on genitals or mouth. However, when {\ul \i dormant} and {\ul \i no symptoms are evident}, it does not normally seem contagious. Matthew 9:29." But still, as is mentioned above, according to the counsel in the Charter you are responsible to inform your partner if you have had herpes, even if you don't have an outbreak [EDITED: "an active case"] at the moment. Then it is his or her choice as to whether they'd like to use a condom when sharing with you.
37. (You should also bear in mind that if a woman has some kind of affliction, although having intercourse with a condom may prevent the affliction from being passed on to the man, it can sometimes be quite irritating for the woman or make her sore. So that's a consideration as well.)
38. Question: Would people be sort of looked down upon if they were lacking in faith and decided to go for the silver or maybe even the bronze? In a case where some young people decided to still use condoms, would the shepherds have a responsibility to be checking on them and discussing it with them or possibly even penalizing them, or is it really just between the Lord and the sharing partners?
39. Answer: The decision whether to use some form of birth control is one which must be prayerfully made between those involved and the Lord, in accordance with the "Go for the Gold" GN. You young people may want to counsel or pray with your parents or shepherds on some of these matters, which is perfectly okay to do, if you choose to. But shepherds cannot penalize you for your choice, as you are given this choice by the Lord and it is incorporated into the Charter.
40. Shepherds are available to answer questions, point you to the Word, explain what the Lord has said regarding birth control, and pray with you should you need it. But in the end, these are personal decisions, and once you've made your decision, no one should make you feel bad or condemned.
41. Question: If someone makes a personal decision to use birth control, are condoms the only method they can use?
42. Answer: The type of birth control a person would use, should they make that decision, would be a personal decision. Of course, the more natural it is the better.
43. Question: If I have dates with a few different people, sometimes there are those that I feel closer to, but with others it's more of a sacrifice. I'm doing it mainly for them and it's a matter of being sweet and loving. So am I supposed to go all the way with all of my sharing partners?
44. Answer: You should pray about each date and each person you share with. You may feel led to have full intercourse with one person, but you may feel led to limit your lovemaking with another person to just kissing and cuddling or to mutual masturbation, which includes oral sex. Just because you go all the way with one person does not mean you are obligated to do so with anyone else. It's a personal choice, based on your feelings toward each person and how you feel led both personally and as partners.
45. Question: If a single mom, who already has kids, gets pregnant by someone, will it be suggested strongly that she get married to that person?
46. Answer: The decision whether to marry or not is up to the two people involved. However, they should take into account the fact that when they made the choice to have sexual intercourse, they did so knowing that if two people decide to fuck and a pregnancy results, the Lord usually prefers that the couple involved marry, for the sake of the child. The Lord indicated that He would use "the ease with which [EDITED: "the single mothers"] can share love and have love shared with them" to bring men to them who will want to love them and be with them and father their children. (Note added later: The expression "the ease with which [EDITED: "the single mothers"] can share love and have love shared with them" refers to the option that unmarried people have to share sexually {\ul \i without fucking}. That option will hopefully allow single mothers greater sexual freedom and intimate contact with men, without their having to worry about getting pregnant. Hopefully through that greater intimate contact, the single moms will be able to meet someone who they'll develop a close bond with, and who will want to have a more lasting relationship. If that's the case, then the single mom and that man may feel led to have full intercourse, with the understanding that the man would be willing to be a father not only to a child born of his own flesh, but to the single mom's other children as well.) But this does not mean that the men would be forced to marry the single mothers in the case of pregnancy. It is still a personal choice.
47. Question: What if a single woman gets pregnant and she's been having full sex with more than one man? How do they handle the question of marriage if they aren't sure who the father is? Is that a case where they'll just have to work it out according to their own faith? Or, as someone asked, should singles have only one "all the way" sex partner each month?
48. Answer: Exactly how you handle the possibility of pregnancy if you choose to have more than one full-sex partner is a matter of personal choice. It's something you'll have to work out on your own. There is no rule. Each situation must be judged on its own merits. The Lord confirmed again, however, when we prayed about this question, that it is His will that each child has a mother and a father, and that whether a woman has one or several sex partners, someone should be willing to take responsibility should she become pregnant. According to the prophecies the Lord gave, if only one man is willing to take responsibility for the pregnancy, then that would be the man the woman would choose, providing she's willing to do so. If several men are willing to take responsibility for the baby, then the woman would have more choices.
49. If you choose to have full sex with more than one partner, the Lord indicates that communication is a key--counseling, heart-sharing, pre-planning and counting the cost. He says that "if a woman is planning on having full sex with more than one man, then she should make this known to her partners so everyone can be well informed and all can operate according to their own faith." You should count the cost before having sexual intercourse, and talk openly and honestly, and seek the Lord in prayer, as He promises to lead and guide you.
50. The Lord says He will lay the burden on the hearts of those who He wants to assume responsibility for the baby. But the man must choose to accept that responsibility. The Lord will not force him. He promises to make His will clear, and says that true maturity, manhood and adulthood in His Kingdom is to accept the responsibility He places upon you.
51. Question: If a married man has sexual intercourse with an unmarried woman and she gets pregnant, is he responsible to take the woman on as a second wife?
52. Answer: In the prophecies the Lord gave on this question, He again confirmed that a married man is as a single when he is sharing love with a single woman. Therefore, they have the option to share love in many ways besides full intercourse and still be within God's highest will in this. The Lord wants you to share love, comfort, encouragement, warmth and affection with one another, and He reiterated that you don't have to have full sex to do this. As you can choose how you want to love, so you can also choose how much responsibility you want to bear. So if a married man chooses to have full sex with a single woman, he must also recognize the responsibility that goes along with that choice, should a pregnancy result.
53. The Lord said there is great variety of relationships in His Kingdom and that some relationships are more long-lasting, while others are short-term. In some cases, when a single woman becomes pregnant by a married man, that woman could become like a second wife, providing all three parties are in full agreement, of course. But in other cases, the woman could be a friend, helper, and lover. In the latter case, the relationship of the single woman and the married couple could be more like a parenting teamwork, rather than an actual threesome. This is a case of personal choice, depending on how all involved feel led. Again, the Lord brings out that He will not legislate righteousness concerning these relationships, but that men and women of God must accept responsibility maturely and lovingly--and voluntarily.
54. If you as a married couple decide that one of you will share sexually with a single person, the Lord instructs you to pray, counsel and share your hearts each step of the way. You should counsel with each other and count the cost together before having full sex. The mate of the person sharing should be in agreement with that person having full intercourse or not. A married man should not have full sex with a single woman if his wife is not in agreement that their lovemaking go that far, and vice versa.
55. Question: If a married woman shares with a single man, and they fuck and she gets pregnant, what relationship does that single man have with the married couple and with the baby? Does that single man then become a second husband, or a permanent or semi-permanent friend, lover and co-worker? Is he expected to become a parenting teamworker with the husband and wife, for the sake of the child?
56. Answer: The single man is not obligated to the couple or to the baby, neither as a second husband nor as a permanent or semi-permanent co-worker, lover or father figure, because the baby already has a father. The married couple is not bound to establish a long-term relationship with the single man either, unless they personally choose to do so. In the prophecies about this question, the Lord said that even if the baby is from the seed of another man, he is still the child of the husband and wife and part of their family, and he should be parented the same as their other children. The Lord said that if a married woman becomes pregnant when sharing with a single man, the baby is a gift from the Lord, a reward for the married couple, because they were willing to share their love with another.
57. Dad counsels you single men who want to be fathers and husbands to seek out the single mothers and their children who really need you! All the children in the Family are "our children," so he encourages you to love these "ready-made families" as a husband and a father, even if they are not your own flesh and blood.
58. Question: What about "withdrawal"--when two singles are making love and the man pulls out seconds before he climaxes? Is that birth control? Or is that part of the "other ways of sharing love" that singles can do and still be within God's highest will?
59. One of our YAs commented: "Withdrawal seems to be a very common thing amongst our young people. This is where two people fuck, but the man pulls out at the last minute. From what I've heard, this can be gotten down to a virtual science, where the guy will pull out at just the right time so that he doesn't go (climax) inside the girl, and just goes the second he comes out. Either that, or he just puts the penis in and they fuck for a while, but then he takes it out and they do other things for the man (and sometimes the woman too) to achieve orgasm.
60. "I wanted to ask about this as I'm not sure where this fits. Would this be a form of birth control, or is it something that would fit in the prophecy where the Lord is talking about allowing other types of sexual fellowship?" (End of comments by the YA)
61. Answer: The Lord's answer on this is a surprising one. He says that pulling out at the last second is birth control; it's not within His highest will; it's not "going for the gold." He says if you're enjoying having full sex and the man climaxes that way, then He wants you to trust Him and allow the seeds to be planted in the woman. That's not the surprising part. You probably figured as much.
62. But He says that if you decide in advance that you don't want to have full sex, that you prefer to love each other through "other ways," mutual masturbation, etc., then the man can during the course of your lovemaking put his penis inside the woman for the sake of pleasure, unity and the desire of the woman. As you know, sometimes a woman cannot reach an orgasm without the fucking movement and having the penis inside, and sometimes the man just can't resist putting it in, at least for a while. The Lord has made a way for you to be able to do this, as long as the man doesn't withdraw at the last second, but instead has his orgasm some other way (through masturbation or sucking). This is within the Lord's highest. He does not consider this birth control, but instead it falls under the category of "other ways of lovemaking."
63. These two ways of making love may seem the same to you, but in the Lord's eyes there is a difference, and He says a lot of it depends on your motive.
64. ({\ul \i Note}: For your information, there is a good chance of pregnancy occurring if the penis is inside the vagina, even if the man does not climax inside, because during the act of lovemaking there is a constant slight discharge of semen containing sperm. So if you decide to do this, you should be aware that a pregnancy could occur. Also, please realize, women, that sometimes when a man gets very excited, he can come unexpectedly, so there is also the possibility that even though he sincerely plans to not climax while inside you, and he plans to withdraw his penis well in advance of ejaculating [EDITED: "having an orgasm"], he might not be able to control himself very well and may end up either climaxing inside you or pulling out when he realizes he's past the point of no return and ready to come within seconds. Also, men, just because this option of having your penis inside the woman without coming inside of her is allowed, it doesn't mean you can push for this or pressure the woman. This should only be done with mutual consent.)
65. {\b \i (Mama:)} I pray that this summary of the practical application of the "Go for the Gold" counsel is a blessing for you. Please understand, however, that this is not intended to take the place of reading the full GN. There are 39 questions in the Questions and Answers section of that GN, but in this summary we have included only 20, and some of those are not included in full. So when you have time, please try to reread the full counsel from the Lord. Thanks!
66. I'll be praying for you, that the Lord gives you wisdom and joy as you prayerfully consider this counsel and apply it in your sexual sharing. God bless you and make you a blessing as you share the Lord's love and "be Jesus" for one another! We love you very much!
Copyright (c) 1997 by The Family