A LAMENT IN THE NIGHT! 11/89 DO 2594
1. Have mercy or destroy me, Lord! I just can't take it any longer. If You don't care for me, Lord, if You don't love me, if You won't heal me, then just destroy me! Just destroy me for all my sins, Lord, if You know I deserve it. Thy Will be done, have Thy way! If You're not going to heal me, just kill me!--In Jesus' name. I just can't stand it much longer, oh God! Please, Lord! Jesus! In the day I cry unto Thee with my whole heart You said You would answer!--Jer.29:13. (Tongues & weeping)
2. You must hate me, Lord, or You wouldn't afflict me so! Oh God! Am I nothing to You, Lord? Don't You care? You lay all these afflictions on me, Lord. I guess I'm just too bad. I guess You don't love me any more to give me all these afflictions, Lord. I guess You just don't care.
3. Jesus, Jesus! Oh, Jesus! Please, Lord, have mercy! I guess I can suffer a little longer. I don't know what good it's doing, Lord. It hinders me, it hinders my work, it hinders what I have to do, Lord. It embarrasses me. It shames me before Thy people, Lord, to see my affliction! I think they're ashamed of me!--And I am ashamed of me because I'm so afflicted. Please heal me of these afflictions, Lord, that I may be a better example to Thy children.
4. They're always having to pray for me, Lord, for this affliction or that affliction. They must wonder why I'm so afflicted. They must wonder if You don't love me any more, if You don't care for me. My God, they must wonder why You don't take better care of me & why You don't heal me. They must think You don't love me any more, that I'm so bad, Lord, that You don't like me & You don't heal me. My God!
5. Lord, I'm in pain! I'm in pain! Why don't You heal me, Jesus? My God, why don't You heal me? Oh, Jesus! I just can't stand it much longer! Oh, God! Please!--In the Name of Jesus, have mercy! In the Name of Jesus! You promised that in the Name of Jesus You would do all things! I use Your Name, Lord, but You don't heal me! I beg for Your mercy! I use Your Name! I guess I'm not worthy, Lord, & it just doesn't work with me. Your Name doesn't seem to do me any good, Lord. My God! My God!
6. OK, Jesus! Though You slay me, yet will I trust Thee! I don't know why You're slaying me, Lord. I don't know why You're afflicting me & causing me to suffer, except I know I deserve it. I deserve more than this affliction! So, Lord, in Jesus' name, if You want to kill me, just go ahead & kill me. It's a terrible reproach to Thy house, my house, all these bad things, Lord, that You make me to suffer.
7. Amen! I deserve it. So I'll just keep on suffering, in Jesus' name. Praise the Lord! Help me, Jesus! Thank You Lord! If You want to make me a laughingstock & a spectacle before Thy children, if You want to make me an embarrassment & a real humiliation before Thy children, Lord, OK!
8. My God! Why would You want to make me suffer like this? Why? I know I deserve it, but it certainly doesn't show Thy mercy. It doesn't show Thy Love. Why would You want me to suffer like this, Lord, for so long a time?--So much & so bad! Praise You Jesus! Praise You Lord! Oh, God, please help me! Have You deserted me in all this suffering?
9. In Jesus' name, bless Thy people, Lord! Encourage their faith in spite of my afflictions! They must look at me, Lord, & be discouraged & wonder why Thou dost not show Thy Love & Thy mercy to their Prophet! Oh God! In Jesus' name, bless them, Lord Jesus!
10. Please touch & heal all my afflictions! I realise "many are the afflictions of the righteous," but You said You'd deliver me from them all!--Psa.34:19. But You're not doing it, Lord, & that's very hard to bear. There are so many afflictions, it's not fair, in Jesus' name. Praise You Lord!
11. I guess the Lord really doesn't love me any more because He won't heal me. So I just have to suffer endlessly, just endlessly! Oh God, please help me! What am I going to do? I just can't stand it much longer! The Lord has got to do something to show that He loves me & that He still cares, & take away these pains & these afflictions. They're not very light afflictions, they seem to me to be pretty heavy!
12. It hurts for the Lord not to love me & to chasten me so severely. It's really discouraging me! "Whom the Lord loveth He chasteneth, & scourgeth every son whom He receiveth."--Heb.12:6. He's really scourging me, that's for sure, but it's discouraging me that He's afflicting me so, over & over again! No matter how much I pray, He doesn't deliver me.
13. I'm ashamed, Lord! I'm humiliated that I'm so afflicted. It reminds me of some of David's Psalms when he was really down in the dumps. Oh, God! It hurts, Lord! You're hurting me, Lord! You're punishing me, scourging me, hurting me, & it hurts! I don't like it! But I know I deserve it. Whatever You want, sock it to me, Lord!--Scourge me, chasten me, hurt me, beat me! I guess You know that I deserve it. So I'll just quit!--Quit complaining & quit asking for mercy! Just quit!
14. Thank You Lord, anyway! I love You, Lord, in spite of Your chastenings & scourging & killing me. You're killing me, Lord! Hallelujah! Thank You Lord! I guess it could be worse, but it is so bad. Oh God, please help me! Have mercy, touch & heal me of all these afflictions!
15. Oh, Jesus! Oh, Lord! My God, they're so embarrassing! They're so humiliating! You really know how to get a guy down, Lord. But I guess that's what I deserve! Oh, God, it hurts so! Why do You want to do this to me, Lord? I'm sure I deserve it--even more, much more! Oh, Jesus!
16. I'm sorry, Honey, but I just can't take it any longer! I just can't take it! I just can't! I don't know, maybe I can. I guess I can or the Lord wouldn't treat me this way. I just feel like I can't take it any more! Oh my God! It hurts! It really hurts! (Maria: Lord, You've just got to heal this! You have to heal it! You are bound by Your Word to heal it!) Well, He doesn't & He won't, He refuses to! (Maria: Lord, You will do it because You are bound by Your Word!) He delivers me over to the Enemy to torture me! (Maria: No, He has to heal! He has to heal it, in Jesus' name!) No, He doesn't & He won't & I can't stand it any longer!
17. (Maria: Lord, You've got to! You've got to do it, Lord! You're bound by Your Word, You've promised, Lord, & You can't deny it!) Yes, but He doesn't! (Maria: You cannot deny Yourself & Your Word will not return unto You void, Lord!--2Tim.2:13; Isa.55:11. So You've got to & You will! You will, Lord! You will! We believe it, in Jesus' name! You've got to do it!) But He doesn't, He won't! (Maria: You said, "Concerning My sons, command ye Me!"--Isa.45:11.--And we command You to destroy the works of the Devil & to heal this affliction!)
18. I've prayed & I've prayed & I've prayed & I'm just worse! (Maria: Well, Lord, You're going to do it now, in Jesus' name!) I'm worse! There's no use! (Maria: You have to do it, Lord! This is Your Servant & Your King! You've got to take care of him! You said if You failed to take care of Your Own, You're worse than an infidel, Lord!--1Tim.5:8. You can't be that, so You've got to take care of him! You've got to heal him, Lord, of these afflictions, in Jesus' name!) It doesn't kill me, but it sure does make me miserable & makes me suffer. (Maria: You do it, Lord! I command You, in Jesus' name, to help him!) The Lord doesn't help! (Maria: He's going to do it! He is going to heal you!)
19. I know you love me, but apparently the Lord doesn't love me any more. I don't know why. Thank God it seemed like I was better in my bowels yesterday, but it's just one thing after another. My bowels running like water almost daily. I can't stand it! And this cough. Oh my God! It just goes on & on forever! And my lungs gurgle deep down all the time now. I think maybe I have tuberculosis.
20. If You're through with me, Lord, why don't You just throw me away? Oh God! I just might as well quit, I just can't take any more! I can't even eat any more, & my bowels have been loose almost every day for weeks. My God! I must have some awful disease! I never had anything so bad before, it really hurts! My God! Lord Jesus! You must hate me to afflict me like this! So Lord, if You don't love me any more, then I quit! I just can't stand it any more!
21. Pain is an amazing thing. I guess it's part of our punishment for sins. Have mercy on me, Jesus! I think I've suffered all I can. I don't think I can take any more! I didn't want to even confess it to you, Honey, or worry you about it, but I finally got to where I couldn't stand it any more without some help.
22. How could God torture me this way? Would somebody who loves you torture you? (Maria: Well, what about the Great Tribulation? Are we going to say the Lord is torturing us?) I guess it's just the Devil. I guess I just have to remember that "whom the Lord loveth He chasteneth, & scourgeth every son whom He receiveth." But I guess I'm pretty bad to be so scourged! I guess I'm just a hopeless case for the Lord to have to constantly, continuously scourge me & chasten me & hurt me & torture me! Oh my God! I've really been tortured! I guess it could be worse. I could be in jail or something! I can't imagine anything worse than that. Poor Jimmy Bakker, Lord help him! In Jesus' name!
23. I feel like Jesus: "My God! My God! Why hast Thou forsaken me?" I feel like the Lord has forsaken me. But you still love me. (Maria: Amen, Honey, I really really do!) The Lord has forsaken me, but you still love me. So that must be part of His Love.--You. (Maria: And all your Family, Honey! So many all over the World love you.) Yes, they all love me, but the Lord has forsaken me! Why else would He let me suffer such torture for so long?--Days & days & days & days till I just can't seem to stand it any more!
24. Oh, Lord, how long, how long? My God, why hast Thou forsaken me? Oh, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus! Oh, Lord Jesus! Thank You Lord! In Jesus' name! Lord, are You just going to let me live on & suffer? I know I asked for more time, but maybe I shouldn't have. It just seems like more time is more suffering.
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(Editor: The following portions of text, which are separated by crosses, were given on separate occasions from the above "Lament.")
25. Oh Jesus, help me! Please help me! I can't stand it any longer! (Strong weeping & tongues:) My God, please have mercy on me, Jesus! Please have mercy on me, Jesus! Please! Touch & heal me, Lord! With but Thy little finger Thou couldst do it, Lord! Oh, I know I deserve this suffering, Lord, I know I deserve it! I deserve worse! I deserve death, Lord! But I cannot stand this much more in life! I would almost like to die! Oh, Jesus!
26. (Strong tongues:) I rebuke you, Satan, in the Name of Jesus! Take your God-damned hands off of me! Deliver me, Jesus! Reach me, in Jesus' name! My God! Help me, in Jesus' name! Oh, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus! Have mercy on me! I know I deserve it, Lord, but please have mercy! Please, Lord, have mercy! Deliver me! Take the God-damned Devil's hands off of me, Lord, in the Name of Jesus! Please, please, please, Lord! Please have mercy!
27. Hallelujah! Thank You Jesus! Amen! Amen! Amen! I rebuke you, Satan, in Jesus' name! In the Name of Jesus I rebuke you! You promised, Lord, if I would rebuke him in Your Name, Lord, that he would flee from me! You make him leave me, Lord! Make him flee from me, Lord! I can't stand this any more, Lord!
28. I'm suffering the torment of Satan! Lord God, deliver me, in the Name of Jesus! If You have to torment me so, Lord, why don't You just take me & deliver me out of all of these afflictions, Lord! (Weeping)
29. You said, "In the day you cry unto Me with a whole heart I will answer! The prayer of faith will save the sick, & the Lord will raise him up; & if he has committed sins they will be forgiven him!"--Jer.29:13; Jam.5:15,16. Forgive me, Lord. I've abused my body through the years, Lord. Oh, Jesus! Oh, Jesus!
30. This is Hell! I think it could drive me to the brink if the Lord doesn't heal me. Amen, Lord, if You don't want to heal me, You might as well take me & relieve me of this horrible suffering! I never ever suffered so much, Lord, in this whole World. Oh, Jesus!
31. Oh, Jesus! Lord, how can I pray any more? How can I beseech Thee any more, Lord? What more can I do? If You don't love me, don't care for me, You don't want to heal me, why don't You just kill me to deliver me from these earthly sorrows?
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32. Maybe the Lord will yet deliver me! (Maria: He's got to, Honey! I'm sure He will!) I'm suffering torture! I'm suffering torment! Even if I die it'll be better than this!--This suffering & torture & torment of the Devil! Oh my God! It couldn't be any worse!--The torture & torment of Satan!
33. If you hold my hand I feel like the Lord hasn't totally abandoned me, since you still hold me & still love me. Don't you feel it? Don't you feel the power of the Lord still links us & I'm not lost? (Maria: Yes, I do!) Maria? (Maria: Right! I know it!)
34. As long as I can feel your hand, Honey, as long as you hold on to me, I figure maybe the Lord still loves me & He won't forsake me. I feel better already! (Maria: XXX!) If the Lord lets me love you, surely He is having mercy on me. The Lord surely won't let me die while I'm holding your hand. (Maria: No, Sweetheart! I'm sure He won't.)
35. I've loved the Lord all my life & He's never failed me! And I've tried to get others to love the Lord. I guess He's not going to fail me now! I just don't have much patience. I guess my threshold of pain is a little low, I can't seem to stand much.
36. Well, I think it's a little better, thank God! Maybe He heard me! Maybe He cares. Oh, Jesus! It seems like He doesn't care any more. Thank You Lord for relieving me of that pain, that terrible Hellfire, in Jesus' name! At least it made me really pray, Lord! And my God, my God, how I prayed! I guess You answered me, Lord, because I feel better & I'm not in so much pain any more. Thank You Lord!
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37. My bowels just ran & ran! Thank the Lord it finally stopped! I'm so weak now. Lord, I thought You were supposed to be my Friend. Then why don't You help me? The Bible talks about those men who gave up their spirit, who yielded up their spirit & died.--Gen.25:8, 35:29, 49:33; Mat.27:50. I think your body gets so weak that you just can't hang on to the spirit any more. It's like you just give it up! You just give up the spirit. You just give up because you haven't any spirit any more.--You haven't got the will or the spirit to live.
38. I'm so glad you are young & full of strength, Honey. XXX! I must confess, I haven't had much faith lately. If one affliction isn't bad enough, I have two or three! I guess you'll have to have faith for me because I don't seem to have it. I guess you'll have to have the faith for me & inspire me now, because I'm just almost dead. This year has been my year of afflictions.
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39. Thank You Lord! Amen! Thank You Jesus that I only have light affliction for a moment!--2Cor.4:17.--But this moment has been awful long, Lord, so I wish You would please hurry & heal me! (Sings:) "Hosanna in the highest! Hosanna to our King! Hosanna in the highest! Hosanna to our King!" Praise the Lord! Thank the Lord, maybe we'll get the victory over all of this one of these days, in Jesus' name! (Tongues:) Oh my God, how I long for that day when I shall be relieved of all my sorrows!
40. It doesn't seem to do much good to pray. My God, have mercy on me! Lord, You promised that "he that calleth on the Name of the Lord shall be saved."--Acts 2:21; Rom.10:13. My Lord, how much patience do You require me to have before You heal me? My God, how long before You heal me? You know I'm not going to have any operation or anything like that, Lord. If You don't heal me, then I'll probably die.
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41. I'm like a big baby! Oh my God, I hoped this would never happen, but here it is!--And I'm it! I'm a great big invalid! I never thought I'd come to this: Being a great big baby as an old man! I think sometimes I would have rather died. Maybe I shouldn't have asked for this extended time, although I'm happy in a way to be here. Maybe the Lord suggested I die at 70 so I could escape all these things, all these afflictions.
42. Jesus, how could I be such a mess? Oh my God! I must be cursed! I feared a fear & it came upon me.--Job.3:25. I'm so ashamed! What a terrible ignominious end, to end like a baby! How terrible!--Sick & almost helpless! I guess it could be worse. Lord forgive me for complaining, I'm sorry. The Devil is laughing at my pain & my embarrassment & my shame. I'd almost rather die first than get in this condition.
43. The kids are so sweet! They still seem to enjoy me. (Maria: Of course, Honey! You're their favourite pal!) Oh Jesus, please have mercy! Help me, heal me, Lord!--In Jesus' name! It's almost too much to take, Lord, I don't know if I can stand it. You sure are testing me, Lord, & I think my faith has been pretty poor & has almost failed me. It seems like the Lord has forsaken me. Forgive me for complaining, Lord, but it just seems to be almost more than I can bear!
44. Bless the Family, Lord, in spite of my discouragement, & help them not to get discouraged. Bless & keep them! Encourage them & inspire them & help them not to get down, like me. Forgive me for being discouraged, Honey, but just when I think I'm healed it starts all over again. I did so good yesterday, I didn't have anything!--I didn't have the runs or itching or eating problems or anything! Even my cough seemed a little better. It was such a good day, but now I'm so defeated again. Hallelujah! Thank You Jesus! God damn you, Devil, & all these afflictions!
45. Please don't ever publish any of these dumps when I get discouraged. I think it would be a real drag on the Family. I don't think it would do'm any good at all to know how discouraged I can get. (Maria: Don't you think all those Psalms of David when he was down in the dumps have done the World any good? Why do you suppose the Lord let those be published?) Oh, I guess to show that he was human. (Maria: Well, don't you think yours would do the same thing?) Well, I don't know. I'm ashamed to let them know how despondent I've been. (Maria: Yes, but if it would be a big help to them, would you be willing to do it?)
46. Oh, Honey, what good is that to let them know how downhearted I can get? I don't think that's very good. They need to be encouraged, not discouraged. (Maria: Well, why do you suppose the Lord let David be so depressed & despairing & in such heaviness of spirit?) I don't know. (Maria: There must have been some very good reason for it. It must have been a help to millions of people down through the years, a much greater help than if he'd always been so encouraging & uplifting & on top of things.)
47. It's symbiotic*, I guess. (Maria: What's that?) I don't know, that's the word that came to me. I guess misery loves company & I guess it encourages people to know that even David got discouraged sometimes. (Maria: The times we've published things like that they've been a real encouragement to people & it's also helped them to really pray for you.) Oh, Lord Jesus, how can my discouragement be a blessing? (Maria: Well, if it gets them to pray, that will draw them closer to the Lord & get them more desperate, & that in itself would be a blessing.) I guess so! (*Symbiotic: A special relationship between different kinds of organisms in which each benefits from the presence of the other.)
48. I'm so sorry for getting so disconsolate, but just when I think I'm getting healed, it comes back again. Oh my God! It seems that even the Lord has forsaken me. He surely has forsaken me to let me suffer so.
49. Help me, Lord! Deliver me! I'm so weak. I'm such a coward! I can't seem to stand anything. Oh, Lord, why did You let this happen? I guess I deserve it. I more than deserve it. My God, what torment You have created to pay me back for all my sins. My God, I never suffered such torment in all my life. My God, help this not to drive me crazy! I understand how people can be driven out of their minds with pain.
50. Bless & keep us today, Lord, & give us the courage to go on by faith!
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51. I never had so much torment in my whole life! I think it's enough to kill me! (Children praying for Grandpa:) (David: Dear Jesus, please help Grandpa! He's being tortured with this affliction, but we know that You can do it! You did it yesterday, Lord, & You saved Grandpa from having to go through this, so we know that You can do it again! We claim Thy Word that says, "They shall lay hands on the sick & they shall recover!"--Mark 16:18. You said that, Lord, so You have to do it! And we pray that You will do it right away so Grandpa doesn't have to suffer too much longer, Jesus!
52. (He's Your Prophet, Lord, & he's trying to do his best for You, so it seems like the least You can do is heal him, Lord Jesus! You said, "Many are the afflictions of the righteous but the Lord delivereth him out of them all."--Psa. 34:19. So deliver Grandpa right now, Lord, in the next few minutes or hours! Please help him not to suffer too much longer, Lord.) Answer us, Lord! (David: Heal him & give him back his strength, Lord, so he can do his work for You, because he can't do anything for You if You don't heal him, Lord! So please help him!--In Jesus' name! Amen! TYL!)
53. (Techi: Amen, thank You Jesus so much for Grandpa & for how You healed him yesterday, & what a blessing he is to You & to the whole Family, Jesus. You healed him yesterday, Jesus, so we know You can do it again! And Jesus, please take away this suffering that Grandpa is having & just completely heal his body. Soothe him with Your Holy Spirit, Jesus, & completely heal him of this itching & soreness & sore throat & everything! Please rebuke the Enemy, Lord, & drive him away! You said, "The Enemy shall not exact upon him; nor the son of wickedness afflict him!"--Psa.89:22. You can heal him, Jesus!
54. (We know it's just the Enemy really trying to fight him, Lord, because he's having all of these super inspiring revelations & everything, Jesus! So please, Lord! Please really heal him, Jesus! You made him, Lord, so You can certainly fix him! You said, "Concerning the work of My hands, command ye Me!"--Isa. 45:11b. So we're praying for Grandpa, Lord, & we're commanding You to heal him & completely take away this suffering!) Have mercy, Lord!
55. (Techi: Amen, Jesus! We won't lose faith in You, Lord, & we trust You, Jesus! So please, please, really help Grandpa, Lord.) Lord, if You won't answer my prayers, at least answer theirs! (Techi: Amen! Please help Grandpa, Lord! We know that You love us all, Jesus, & You really love Grandpa, so please make him all better & take away this sickness, Jesus, & heal him, in Jesus' name! TYJ! PYL!)
56. Do it, Lord! Have mercy on me, Lord! I can't stand any more! In Jesus' name, I just don't think I can stand much more! Please! Thank you, sweet children, for praying. Surely He will answer your prayers!--Even if He doesn't seem to answer mine. (Maria: He's going to answer, Honey!) (Techi: He always does! He's never failed once!--Even though He's sure taking a long time this time!)
57. I guess I have very weak faith, I can't seem to stand very much. (Techi: Oh, no, Grandpa! I would probably have given up by now!) Oh, it almost drives me out of my mind. TYJ! PYL! Thank you, sweet children. (David: The Lord said He wouldn't give us more than we're able to bear, although sometimes it comes pretty close!--1Cor.10:13.) The Lord must think I can bear a lot. (Techi: You're probably able to bear it, you just don't think so.) Well, I don't want you kids to have to watch me suffer, so you'd better run along. (Maria: They're cheering you up, Grandpa!) Yes, they are!
58. Well, if I should have to go away, you all take good care of Mama!--And of your pets & everything, & God's Work! I know you will! PTL! (Techi: Grandpa, we need you so much, it's like it would be impossible!) You have the Lord. His grace is sufficient. I love you! PTL! Oh, Jesus! Help us, Jesus! You all run along so I can groan a little bit!--Ha! I don't like to have to groan in your presence. You're making me suppress it. You're such an inspiration to me & such good children! We had such a nice day yesterday, didn't we?
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59. Please have mercy on me, O God! All these years I have proclaimed Thy Love, now I need it, Lord!
Copyright (c) 1998 by The Family